Zachary the Pimp

My son Zachary is 12 years old. He will be 13 next month. Anyone who knows Zachary at all, knows that until just recently, he was my other half. My oldest son Kenny may have put it to words the best. Zachary is or was a titty baby. If I had to drive three blocks to take my daughters to cheerleading practice, he was riding shotgun. If I walked out to my car to get something he would be yelling out to me "are you leaving" before I could get to the door. That would be in his panicky voice whereby he thought he might be left unattended for more than 30 seconds.

All of my children would tell me that I needed to make him grow up and quit babying him. I kept insisting he would grow up on his own. He would sleep in my room on my nights off and I would let him stay up late and we would watch movies. Sometimes we would even sneak off to Dairy Queen for a late night brownie earthquake or a double cheeseburger. He thought I was the bomb. That was then. This is now.

MOM: Zachary, we are going out for chinese, want to come?
SON: No, will you bring me back some sesame chicken and a chicken and broccoli?
MOM: Sure, we will be gone awhile are you sure you don't want to come?
SON: No. I think I will stay here.
MOM: Okay, I love you. Hey Zachary, I said I love you.
SON: Oh, I love you too Mom.

Can you say invasion of the body snatchers? The really weird thing is this. Our phone rings off the hook. Constantly. Every call is for him. All girls, all the time. So I decided to mention to Zachary that I was thinking of yanking the phone out of the wall. He tells me that he is a pimp. I am aghast. WHAT? What do you mean? He explains to me that all the girls like him because he is so sweet and he talks to them about what boys like and don't like, so he has amassed a large girl posse that calls constantly.

As the mother of a titty baby gone pimp this is what I have to say.

CCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEE BBBBBAAAACCCKKKK!!!!
Come back titty baby I miss you. I am sick of the phone ringing. I liked it better when you would cry if I went anywhere without you. Please tell your friends that you already promised your mom to live with her forever. Tell them she needs someone to go shotgun on a late night DQ run.